The Branch Davidian Debate

David Koresh, who will not participate, has a 100% lead in the polls. What are the other candidates doing wrong? We'll discuss it.

Above: the leading candidate in the race for leader of the Branch Davidian cult.

Editor’s Note: A short newsletter is OK every once in a while. That’s today’s. The usual endless tomes will resume soon.

In Jonathan Karl’s latest book, he quotes Steve Bannon as saying of Trump cultists: “We are the Trump Davidians.” With the final pointless GOP primary debate coming up this evening, I tried to imagine a debate for the leadership of the Branch Davidian cult.

I think it might go something like this:

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WOLF BLITZER: Welcome to the Branch Davidian primary debate! Tonight’s debate is supposed to decide who will run the Branch Davidian cult for the next four years. But it looks like our candidates are having a tough time breaking out of the pack. Erin?

ERIN BURNETT: That’s right, Wolf. David Koresh, who will not be participating in tonight’s debate, is still leading all of the polls at 100%, which frankly makes us wonder what we’re all doing here. For analysis let’s go to Medhi Hasan.

MEDHI HASAN: Clearly the problem here is—

WOLF  BLITZER: Shut up, Medhi. The candidates are about to give their opening statements.

CON DeSANCTIMONIOUS: As we speak, the federal government is surrounding us with tanks. I am the best candidate to fix this, because I have criticized not only the Waco entertainment establishment, but the Waco Chamber of Commerce! David Koresh has been a great cult leader, but he has not done that. As my campaign signs say, I am “Koresh but Kompetent.”

CULT MEMBER IN AUDIENCE: Stop criticizing David Koresh!

HIKKI NALEY: I just think we should be sensible and less cultish. I think we all know why that hasn’t happened, which is why I don’t need to say it.

CULT MEMBER IN AUDIENCE: Stop criticizing David Koresh!

ZIZEK SWAMASMARMY: The cult member is right! David Koresh is perfect, but you should vote for me instead! 

CULT MEMBER IN AUDIENCE: You’re no David Koresh!

HISS HISTIE: Look, I will say what the others won’t. David Koresh has been a terrible cult leader. He has engaged in polygamy and child molestation and has stockpiled weapons in contravention of federal law. Why do you think we’re under siege by the feds right now? I will restore us to law and order. Thank you.

CULT MEMBERS IN AUDIENCE: Kill him!

WOLF BLITZER: Let’s get some instant analysis. Medhi Hasan?

MEDHI HASAN: Clearly the problem here is—

WOLF  BLITZER: Shut up, Medhi. Jonah Goldberg?

JONAH GOLDBERG: I just think DeSanctimonious and Naley seem frightened to criticize Koresh. I mean, if you’re running a campaign against someone and you have to make up a 100-point deficit, you can’t be pulling your punches. Say you what you will about Hiss Histie, at least he is willing to take on Koresh.

WOLF BLITZER: Speaking of Hiss Histie, back at the compound we can see that he is being ritually sacrificed by the crowd as we speak. All of this makes me think something I never thought before. Is it possible—I’m just playing devil’s advocate here—is it even remotely possible that the problem is not the candidates’ strategies? Could it be that the primary blame rests with the cult members themselves, for joining a cult?

ALL TOGETHER: Well you can’t say *that*!

WOLF BLITZER: Of course you are all right. I have no idea what I was thinking. Breaking news: it looks like the tanks are moving in and the compound is on fire. The cult members are gathered around David Koresh, who says he is the only one who can fix it. They are hoisting him on their shoulders and cheering him, even as the fire closes in and begins to engulf them. What a dramatic end to this debate and indeed to the entire Branch Davidian cult. For CNN, this is—

MEDHI HASAN: Clearly the problem here is—

WOLF  BLITZER: Shut up, Medhi.